The Beatles
would say that “all you need is love”. But Bu Tasya would beg to differ. She’d
say that you’d need good communication skills, too. And I whole-heartedly agree
with her.
I’ve seen
couples break apart because of lack of good communication. I’ve seen friendships
that had lasted years abandoned due to either parties’ inability to properly
express their feelings. In the end, it didn’t matter that these people had
loved each other greatly, tenderly, ardently. Love was the tree that withered
and died as proper maintenance in the shape of good communication was not
upheld.
But what is “good
communication”? A scholarly definition would see good communication as an
instance when a message is received as it was intended to be received. But so
often a message we send is received incorrectly, or at least, not how we
intended for them to be received. A comment on how a friend doesn’t look so
good, intended as an expression of concern, may be perceived as a hurtful
attack towards their appearance. A suggestion that maybe you should try doing something else is taken as you are incapable of achieving this, you
worthless loser, so leave it alone. An honest excuse that I’m not feeling too well tonight, let’s take
a rain check? could be falsely heard as I’m
tired and bored of spending time with you.
And that’s
even if we’ve managed to get the words out. Sometimes some things are harder to
push out of your lips. Little phrases, like I’m
sorry, or you’ve upset me. Or
bigger things, like thoughts, feelings, or opinions you hold strongly, but just
can’t seem to put into words. Or when you do manage to formulate the sentences
in your head, they sound so stupid or weak or whiny or desperate that you never
utter them aloud. Or when you do finally say them, they’re perceived wrongly; a
tentative proposal to improve situations or talk things out is seen as a
critical attack and is countered with more hurtful critiques, defensive
explanations, or, worst of all, a complete shutdown.
But
communication is a two-way street. There are message-senders, and there are
message-receivers. When the other party talks, it isn’t rare that we interpret
their message incorrectly, too. Sometimes it’s because of unfortunately chosen
words, tones, or gestures that accompanies the message delivery. Other times it’s
our own inability to objectively interpret the message and accept it. It’s hard
to listen to a comment that we perceive as a critique without getting defensive
and riled up about it. It’s harder to accept that it was your fault. It’s hardest
to admit you were in the wrong. And when we respond, 99% of the time we’re
saying things like I’m not lazy! or It isn’t my fault I was late, I had too much
work to do! or I may be lazy, but at
least I’m not careless! instead of something like huh, you’re right. I was wrong. What can I do to work on it? Looks
like Elton John did get it right; sorry does
seem to be the hardest word.
With all
these landmines to dance precariously around, I find myself nodding my head in
complete agreement when Bu Tasya proclaimed that “kemampuan mencari pacar itu
biasa. Tapi kalo kemampuan mempertahankan
pasangan itu luar biasa.”
I’ve
witnessed myself how relationships can be slowly unraveled by little but many miscommunications,
like a boulder on a sea cliff gradually chipped away by little but many waves.
Until at one point, the last wave hits the boulder and shatters it into pieces,
not because the wave was particularly bigger or stronger than the others, but
because the boulder now has so many holes in it, it really didn’t need much to
give it the final push that would break it apart.
(At this
point of writing, I’m feeling so depressed that I actually just sighed ever-so-dramatically.)
Bad
communication often leads to an argument. An argument left unresolved is like a
dirty plate left on the sink (let’s assume that you don’t have a dish-washer,
or anyone to clean up after you). If you leave it unwashed, it’s going to be
harder to clean later on, what with the stains sticking stubbornly. It’s going
to bother you with its unsightliness (yep that’s actually a word, I checked),
and it might even start to smell. It can become a home for other
unpleasantness, like bugs or something. And worse of all, it can pile up; you
can put dirty dish after dirty dish without cleaning them and next thing you
know you have a mountain of them. At this point you have two options. One, move
out of the house altogether and get a brand new one with a new kitchen and an
empty sink to put new dirty dishes on. Two, you can start doing your damn
dishes. Pick up the damn sponge and soap and start cleaning. It’s going to be a
lot of work, and it’ll probably be gross and highly unpleasant. And elbow-deep
in the soap suds you might think gee, it
would’ve been so much easier and less gross if I ‘d just washed each dirty dish
as they came along, and you’d be right. In the same way, we can avoid an
explosive argument that often leads to a horrible break up if we just resolve
each little miscommunication that came our way. These can be very difficult to
do, but it’ll be well worth it in the long run. And along the way, we’d
(hopefully) improve our communication skills, too, leading to less arguments
and a healthier, more enjoyable relationship.
I wish I
could end this by giving out some pointers on how to be a good communicator, or
a 10-steps-to-resolving-arguments guide. But I can’t, because I’m still working
on it, too. (Well alright, I suppose if I wasn’t so lazy I could pull out my
communications textbook and summarize some chapters, but I think this post is
long enough already. And also I’m lazy.) I think I’ll be working on my communication
skills until I die. I don’t know how I feel about having to work on something
so challenging for the rest of my life, but it is something I’m willing to do
if it means I won’t have to fight, argue, or part ways with the people I love. And
I hope it’s something you’re willing to do, too.
