Week 5: Dating; Seriously Fun, or Serious Business?

Dating is an entirely foreign concept to me. Literally. As of the time I am writing this blog post, I have never been on a single date in my entire life, and thus can safely say that whatever knowledge I have of dating comes from tales told, occurrences observed, and textbook theories read. Hopefully, this gives me an objective perspective to answer a question posed on one of the presentation slides in our fifth class of Sexual Behavior, “Dating: Fun or Serious Business?”

If I were to write down a list of the top ten topics my friends and I most often discuss, ‘dating’ would definitely be included in the list. It would probably even make it to the top five. You’d think that all the time we’ve spent discussing dating and relationships and all things related would make me feel more knowledgeable, but if anything they’ve probably left me more confused. There are so many version of what’s right and wrong, what’s good or bad, what’s ideal and what isn’t, that I’m pretty sure no two person has the exact same perspective on dating or relationships. But in general, there are some encompassing themes that most can agree on.

One of them is that dating is/can be/should be fun. Dating is probably one of the most highly romanticized concepts out there, as can be seen from endless romantic art depictions including prose, poems, paintings, films, and such of the courtship dance. And this is only natural. Dating begins with the exciting time when you narrow in to a specific someone. It could be their looks, their sense of humor, their intelligence, or the charisma and appeal that just oozes out of them; for whatever reason, you feel drawn to them, and (if you’re bold enough) attempt to get closer to them. Then, if the interest and attraction is mutual, you’ll get to spend time with this new fascinating person in your life and discover new things about them. You go on dates, talk about whatever comes into mind, and generally have a great, exhilarating time in each other’s company. And when it starts becoming more tiresome and annoying than fun, and you’ve decided it isn’t worth your time and effort to keep at it, you move on to the next dating adventure.

Another somewhat opposing view is that dating should be taken seriously. This side of the table sees dating as something like an audition process, in which the winner gets the grand prize of spending the rest of their life with you in a life-long committed relationship. Dating is the time to get to know your significant other and consider if the both of you are compatible enough to have a future together. Can you see yourself starting a family with this person? Is he/she a reliable person you can trust? Can you be happy with your significant other? Those with this view are often future-oriented; they plan ahead to what their future will be like, and consider carefully how dating helps them get to the future they want (ie. finding the right partner to build a future with).

So which view is better? Dating for fun, or dating seriously? Well, neither. Both views has its pros and cons. One view can fit a person’s beliefs, interests, and values better than the other, and vice versa. A person more interested in living a carefree life, untied to long-term commitments would say that dating should be fun, and balk at the thought of dating seriously. A person ready and eager to find that special other and start a committed relationship would be tired of dating solely for fun, and will take dating more seriously.

I have friends or acquaintances who are serial daters, and hop from one date/boyfriend/girlfriend to the next. They’re main concern is to have fun, preferably with that guy/girl who caught their eye and is exciting to be with. They want to find a companion they can spend time with, someone to care for and who cares for them. They don’t fuss too much about whether their partner at the time is someone they can have a future with. They’re not specifically seeking and selecting only those who they deem are qualified to be their long-time partner. On the other hand, I know persons who are looking for precisely that; a long-time partner. They’re not interested in wasting their time with people who they can’t see themselves having a future with. They’d rather have that one person they can spend the rest of their life with, or have no one at all.

This is not to say that you have to be either/or in the fun/serious attitudes of dating. You can be both, too. My aunts are the closest examples I could think of of girls who started out with dating for fun, and gradually growing more serious with their dating until they settled on the men who would be their husbands. And aside from finding your soul-mate on the first try and living a happily-ever-after life with them, I personally feel this is probably the best combination you can be so lucky to experience. Dating can be a form of ‘practice’ for you to hone your relationship skills with, to prepare you for that time when you’re part of a committed relationship. You can learn how to communicate better, how to deal with fights or arguments, how to balance the giving and taking, how to interact with another person intimately, and learn to get accustomed to having a significant other in your life. You can learn from the mistakes of previous relationships. And you can learn from the things you did right, too. Just as importantly, dating gives you a chance to have fun and explore the romance world without the intimidating or permanent commitments. Learn which activities are wicked fun to do, and are great ways to bond with your partner. Learn what you like, or don’t like. Through dating, you can discover and define your identity as an individual, and as a partner.

In the end, whatever dating attitude you choose to hold, make sure to choose the one that stays truest to who you are and your values, and gives you your peace of mind. Others will have their opinions, and may judge you for your choices. But don’t let those dictate how you should live your life, especially when it holds you back from being happy.

So should dating be fun, or serious business?

You tell me.

Week 4: What is Sexy?

What attracts us to another person?

Our 4^th week of Sexual Behavior class explored this question over a one-hour documentary titled “The Science of Sex Appeal”. From beautiful faces to social status and income, the programme explained various aspects of what makes a person attractive (and consequently, what doesn’t).

First off, was the obvious physicality. Research showed, the perfectly articulate narrator says, that people are more attracted towards a symmetrical face, a face that fits the ‘golden ratio’, and sexy bodies. Evolution theory explains that what attracts us physically to others are essentially what signals to us that the other person is healthy, ready to reproduce, and/or helps to increase our chances of survival (i.e. able to help provide us with a good life). What we determine to be sexy is basically what cavemen and cavewomen learned are the best indicators that a potential partner will increase their chances of survival.

We all hope to live a long-healthy life with our special someone, and though we vow “in sickness and in health”, we’re all really hoping it won’t come to the “in sickness” part. So naturally we’d look for a partner who is as fit as they come. A symmetrical face and faces that conform to the ‘golden ratio’ hints at good genes and good health. Hence, beautiful / handsome faces = sexy.

Men will look for females who are ready to reproduce and continue the family line. A female body commonly defined as sexy, with its healthy proportion, slim waist, wide hips, and full breasts, are seen as signals that the woman is ready to reproduce. Hence, voluptuous curves and a narrow waist = sexy.

Females are looking for someone to bring home the meat and protect themselves and their children from a saber-toothed tiger attack. A male’s body is often deemed sexy when it consists of strong, broad shoulders, defined (but not crazy-bulgy) muscles, and also healthy proportions; all indications that he is a healthy potential partner, and able to protect us from danger. Hence height, manly shoulders, and ash-board abs = sexy. 

Other biological things contribute to sex appeal, too. Like a rich, velvety voice, or a good body musk. Females even grow more attractive during the stage in their menstrual cycle when they are ovulating. The documentary didn’t actually explain why, but I’ve actually noticed myself that this tends to be true (in that the week before my menses is usually the time period when I’m more likely to look at myself in the mirror and think ‘damn I look good today’ instead of ‘who is this train-wreck staring back at me’) and have thought up a theory that when girls ovulate, our bodies are basically doing its best to attract a mate so that they’ll approach us and we can sexually reproduce. Basically, our bodies is doing its best to get laid. (Ladies, I now suggest scheduling your prowling-for-guys days to coincide with your ovulation days.)

But a rockin' bod or a beautiful face isn't all that makes you attractive. Like it or not, there is a matter of job income and social status. An interesting (and humorous) section of the programme showed an experiment where female passers-by were asked to rate a few men's attractiveness based on their photos and information about their occupation. Men who were initially rated as handsome received lower attractiveness ratings when revealed to be holding lowly jobs with small wages. Men who were initially rated as average or below-average physically were given much higher attractiveness ratings when revealed to be occupying high occupational status. Like it or not, admit it or won't, wealth does hold an appeal. Money and a respectable social status, it seems, is sexy.

Now, I'm not one to condone choosing a partner solely on the basis of their net worth or bank account. But I also wouldn't look down on someone who does, either. There seems to be a negative stereotype against anyone who chooses to be with someone based on their wealth. Girls are usually the unfortunate receiver of the 'cewek matre' label. We've all been there; we see a beautiful girl/woman out with a not-so-good-looking guy/man who's wearing designer shoes and watches and we think "oh, she only likes him for his money." And this thought is usually colored with disdain, or toned with condescending dismissal.

But it's the cold-truth that we need money to survive in this world. And it's also the painful truth that not all of us are able to provide for ourselves. Hard luck or unfortunate circumstances can render the smartest, most capable of us to remain in the 'rags' part of society with little comfort. So what's wrong with wanting a better life, or nicer things, and choosing a partner that can help you live a more comfortable life? Some may say that it's shallow, but others can argue that it's a basic survival decision. And when it comes to survival, they say, "you gotta do what you gotta do." And there's no shame in it.

It's not only someone's physical appeal or only someone's wealth and social status that attracts us to them. Both aspects would factor in in our perception of a person's attractiveness. But it was only after class was over that I realized the programme hadn't mentioned anything about intelligence. Or humor. Or motivation, a certain drive or passion. Or kindness. Those things, I think, are sexy. A guy who can discuss textbook theories or debate over current issues or share opinions about art? That's a sexy guy. A guy who can make you laugh, from a chuckle to a real laugh where you're crying or your back or stomach starts to ache; that's a foxy dude. A guy with a passion and drive for whatever it may be that he truly gets excited about and loves; that's a hot man (because have you noticed how everyone just instantly becomes sexier whenever they're doing what they're best at?) And a guy with a good heart, who may not be the reincarnation of Jesus or anything but looks out for others, is willing to help those in need, and cares for his friends and family? That's the best kind of sexy. (And from a personal side view, may I also add that chivalry is panty-dropping sexy.)

I suppose in the end, then, there really is no definitive answer for 'what is sexy'. It comes down to personal preferences, and whatever rocks your boat. Just keep in mind that in choosing a special someone, don't judge them solely on good-looks or a thick wallet. Rather, chose the one you can build a great future with. The one who makes you want to be the best possible person, and helps you to get there. The one who might annoy or get you riled up at times, but in the end can still put a smile on your face. Choose the one who makes you happy. 

Week 3; 'Curing' Homosexuality: Right or Wrong?

A friend once asked me, “sebenernya orang gay itu bisa disembuhin ngga?”

I had initially responded with a hurricane of defending arguments; why should we ‘cure’ homosexuality in the first place? As if it’s an unwanted disease that needs to be rid of quickly? Homosexuality isn’t something ‘wrong’; it’s just another alternative on the sexual orientation column. Sexual orientation is like flavor preference; some people like chocolate, while others like vanilla. If you liked vanilla, would you say that someone who likes chocolate is ‘wrong’, and that they need to be cured? We should just leave the homosexually-oriented be and we shouldn’t try to ‘cure’ them.

This happened to me about a year ago, and since then I never really gave the occurrence much thought. But during our third Sexual Behavior class, in which we discussed sexual orientation and consequently homosexuality, I was reminded of my friend’s question, and my own answer to it. And I realized that my opinion has changed.

Though the attitude towards homosexuality is relatively warmer and more accepting compared to previous times, in many parts of the world homosexuality is still viewed as a sin. This is, evidently, still the dominant opinion in our country, in which homosexuality is at the very least seen as a negative abnormality, if not as extreme as a sin. The general attitude towards homosexuality that I’ve personally witnessed amongst my peers is one of disgust.

Yet the fact of the matter is, there is now an increase in the number of people who are homosexually-oriented. Or perhaps, there isn’t an increase in the number of occurrence, but rather an increase in the number of homosexuals who now openly admit or express their sexual orientation. Maybe you even know someone who is openly gay or a lesbian, or perhaps you suspect someone is ‘in the closet’ (ie. hiding their homosexuality), or even unaware of or unaccepting of their homosexuality.

So what should we do with those who tick the ‘homosexual’ box in the sexual orientation column? Should we ‘cure’ them of their homosexuality and turn them into ‘normal’ heterosexuals? Should we ostracize them from our family and social circles? Should we leave them alone?

How about we support them? Support their views and attitudes. Support them through whatever hardships they’re going through. And by ‘supporting people who are homosexually-oriented’ I don’t mean we should go around waving banners and yelling ‘SUPPORT THE GAYS! LOVE THE LESBIANS!” around the city (one because it’s obnoxious, and two because you’d probably get beaten up by the more ‘traditional-minded’ citizens). I mean that we should approach any homosexual person as an individual and ask them how they personally feel about being gay or a lesbian.

A portion of homosexuals, especially those who live in more open-minded cultures, are open and proud of their sexual orientation. They are happy with who they are, and wouldn’t have it any other way. Another portion are scared and ashamed of being attracted to their own gender, but don’t feel like they can change who they love, and are scared of people rejecting them for who they are.  Another portion are mortified of being homosexually-oriented, feel extremely uncomfortable with their sexual orientation, and want to ‘cure’ themselves of it.

With these differing personal attitudes homosexuals have about their own sexual orientation, I realized that I was mistaken in my initial stand, and that clearly it wouldn’t be wise to advocate one singular act as a way to ‘deal’ with all of them. We can’t just ‘leave everyone alone’ or ‘try to cure everyone’. We can’t tell those who are happy with who they are to change. On the other hand, we can’t force someone who is deeply unhappy with themselves to just forget about it; love who you are and just be happy.

Each individual is unique, with their own set of values, beliefs, opinions, and attitudes. I believe it is best that we approach anyone who is homosexually-oriented with the question; how do you feel about being gay? If they tell you they feel great! It’s awesome! They’ve totally embraced it, and are just fine with who they are, then the best you can do is to support them in their pride. Support them in their happiness. Smile along with them.

If they tell you they are terrified of people rejecting them when they find out the truth about their sexual orientation, let them know that you won’t abandon them. Give them the courage they need to embrace who they really are; help them fight their fears. Let them know that you accept and love them for who they are, and that they’ll have your support through times of fear and uncertainty.

If they tell you that they are deeply ashamed of being a homosexual, are deeply unhappy and wish to change their sexual orientation, help them through whatever process of change they need to undergo in order to be happy and love themselves. The truth is, not all who are homosexually-oriented want to be. Some homosexuals feel profoundly distressed over their sexual orientation, and do not feel that they will ever be happy as a homosexual. When meeting those with this attitude, we can’t simply tell them to “accept who you are” or “be proud of who you are” or “don’t try to change". Because who they are might be killing them from the inside. Whatever reasons they may have to cause despair over being homosexually-oriented, it is only right that we support whatever decision they make in order to find their happiness. If that decision is to seek help to change their sexual-orientation and ‘cure’ their homosexuality, then who are we to stop them and tell them to “let it be”?

Because at the end of the day, who are you to get in the way of anyone’s happiness, regardless of their sexual-orientation? I believe that if you truly love and care for someone, you would fight for their happiness and well-being, and support and help them as best as you can in their search for and attainment of happiness, whatever decisions and path they may choose. Because their path may be a frightening one. And they’ll need you to walk alongside them.

Week 2; The Taboo of Sex

Sex. A little word of three letters with a heck of a lot of excitement around it. And rightfully so. For one, it feels good. For another, it helps you develop powerful emotional bonds with your partner. Not to mention the fact that sex is vital to the survival of our species; without it, the human species would literally cease to exist. All in all, sex sounds like a pretty great topic to discuss.

So why is it such a taboo subject matter?

It’s a question that I’ve often pondered upon. Growing up, I was exposed to two very different cultures; one that openly discussed sex and one that shied away from the subject, oftentimes with a wince of disgust or embarrassment. The latter culture made me question the very concept of sex when I was younger. If it was a subject that people were hesitant to discuss and even avoided talking about, is it a bad thing, then?

Admittedly, like all things in the world, there is a dark side to sex. Issues concerning sexually transmitted diseases, rape, sexual abuse, unwanted pregnancies, manipulations, and other malicious acts involving sex are much too wide in scope for me to discuss here, and requires delicate and sensitive handling I regrettably feel I am not capable of.

But what I’ve come to realize as I’ve grown older (and hopefully, but doubtfully, wiser) was that not everything about sex is bad. It really is just one of the many aspects of living; there are great things about it, and there are not-so-great things about it. Most of all, it’s just plain normal. In fact, sex is a lot like driving a car. Almost everyone does it, though there are some people who don’t do it, haven’t done it yet, or no longer do it. You start doing it at a certain age; some earlier than others, and some later. There are illegal activities involved with it, like street-racing and prostitution. And there are serious consequences that can happen if you don’t do it safely, like putting on a condom or putting on your seatbelt. Some choose to get a certain official document before they start doing it (i.e. a marriage license, or a driver’s license). Some don’t really care and just do it anyway. Some people are good at it, while some can be better. Some do it more often. Some don’t enjoy it as much. Both things are a horrible mix with alcohol. Both things shouldn’t be done while you’re texting. Both things can be a lot of fun. (In fact, I think most people would agree that sex is way more fun).

So as I realized how normal sex really is, it puzzled me even more that it remains to this modern time a very hush-hush subject in the majority of our country. As I noticed my classmates in our second week of Sexual Behavior class flinching, making appalled or scandalized faces, nervously giggling, or making comments of disgust or wonderment like they’ve just learned something new, I found myself wondering what sex ever did to earn such a bad reputation. Why was sex such a taboo subject? Seeing as it’s such a normal thing, why doesn’t everyone freely discuss it? Why should people feel embarrassed, shy, or even repulsed by it? In short, what the heck is so bad about sex?

And that was when I realized it. (I’m coming to a lot of realizations in this post, it seems). Sex is a sensitive subject not because it’s bad. But because it is private. Personal. Admittedly, some people have more open personalities and don’t mind sharing details of their sexual lives to others. But that’s a relative minority in our country. For most, sex is a very personal matter, not to be shared or discussed with just anyone. And that is an attitude I can totally understand and respect.

I then frown at how unfortunate it is that this public attitude and its consequence of reluctance to discuss sex has produced young generations who aren’t properly guided about sex and all of its aspects. A parent’s uneasiness with discussing sex with their children or an education system’s view that sex is an inappropriate subject to expose children to can lead the children to turn to other sources of often unreliable information to learn about sex; their peers or the internet. Without proper guidance from adult figures, the younger generations are vulnerable to irresponsible or dangerous sexual behaviors that may cost them dearly.

And at the opposite end of this spectrum, lies the bunch who didn’t look too much for information and have very limited knowledge of sex and all the things that go with it, including their genital areas. This group consists mostly of females, and they are sadly missing out. Because as Bu Tasya put it, “perempuan jarang…mengeksplorasi daerah genital [mereka]. Ada banyak yang ngga suka, ya [merasa] tabu, ngga suka utak-atik. Akhirnya ngga kenal [dengan area genital]. Harusnya kenal. Kalian harus tahu di mana letak sensitif [kalian].” Aside from the obvious enjoyment it will give you, I believe that getting acquainted with your private parts, and your body in general, for that matter, is quite important. Knowing the difference between what is normal and not normal for your body can very well save your life. Knowing that a lump shouldn’t be there, or that a certain area shouldn’t be hurting can lead to early diagnosis and much more positive prognosis. It’s sad to me that most young females are kept away from this sensibility.  

Of course, I’m not implying that either is the case with every single child, adolescent, or young adult in our country. I’ve met peers or juniors who held well-rounded, reasonable views and knowledge of sex. So maybe not all hope is lost. Maybe sex is also one of those things that you learn more about and become more comfortable with as you grow up and mature. Like getting a job or how to change your car’s tire. Maybe more and more people will become more comfortable with discussions of sex.

Maybe in our country’s not-so-distant future, sex won’t be a taboo subject anymore.

  

Week 1; Communication, Actually.

The Beatles would say that “all you need is love”. But Bu Tasya would beg to differ. She’d say that you’d need good communication skills, too. And I whole-heartedly agree with her.

I’ve seen couples break apart because of lack of good communication. I’ve seen friendships that had lasted years abandoned due to either parties’ inability to properly express their feelings. In the end, it didn’t matter that these people had loved each other greatly, tenderly, ardently. Love was the tree that withered and died as proper maintenance in the shape of good communication was not upheld.

But what is “good communication”? A scholarly definition would see good communication as an instance when a message is received as it was intended to be received. But so often a message we send is received incorrectly, or at least, not how we intended for them to be received. A comment on how a friend doesn’t look so good, intended as an expression of concern, may be perceived as a hurtful attack towards their appearance. A suggestion that maybe you should try doing something else is taken as you are incapable of achieving this, you worthless loser, so leave it alone. An honest excuse that I’m not feeling too well tonight, let’s take a rain check? could be falsely heard as I’m tired and bored of spending time with you.

And that’s even if we’ve managed to get the words out. Sometimes some things are harder to push out of your lips. Little phrases, like I’m sorry, or you’ve upset me. Or bigger things, like thoughts, feelings, or opinions you hold strongly, but just can’t seem to put into words. Or when you do manage to formulate the sentences in your head, they sound so stupid or weak or whiny or desperate that you never utter them aloud. Or when you do finally say them, they’re perceived wrongly; a tentative proposal to improve situations or talk things out is seen as a critical attack and is countered with more hurtful critiques, defensive explanations, or, worst of all, a complete shutdown.

But communication is a two-way street. There are message-senders, and there are message-receivers. When the other party talks, it isn’t rare that we interpret their message incorrectly, too. Sometimes it’s because of unfortunately chosen words, tones, or gestures that accompanies the message delivery. Other times it’s our own inability to objectively interpret the message and accept it. It’s hard to listen to a comment that we perceive as a critique without getting defensive and riled up about it. It’s harder to accept that it was your fault. It’s hardest to admit you were in the wrong. And when we respond, 99% of the time we’re saying things like I’m not lazy! or It isn’t my fault I was late, I had too much work to do! or I may be lazy, but at least I’m not careless! instead of something like huh, you’re right. I was wrong. What can I do to work on it? Looks like Elton John did get it right; sorry does seem to be the hardest word.

With all these landmines to dance precariously around, I find myself nodding my head in complete agreement when Bu Tasya proclaimed that “kemampuan mencari pacar itu biasa. Tapi kalo kemampuan mempertahankan pasangan itu luar biasa.”

I’ve witnessed myself how relationships can be slowly unraveled by little but many miscommunications, like a boulder on a sea cliff gradually chipped away by little but many waves. Until at one point, the last wave hits the boulder and shatters it into pieces, not because the wave was particularly bigger or stronger than the others, but because the boulder now has so many holes in it, it really didn’t need much to give it the final push that would break it apart.

(At this point of writing, I’m feeling so depressed that I actually just sighed ever-so-dramatically.)

Bad communication often leads to an argument. An argument left unresolved is like a dirty plate left on the sink (let’s assume that you don’t have a dish-washer, or anyone to clean up after you). If you leave it unwashed, it’s going to be harder to clean later on, what with the stains sticking stubbornly. It’s going to bother you with its unsightliness (yep that’s actually a word, I checked), and it might even start to smell. It can become a home for other unpleasantness, like bugs or something. And worse of all, it can pile up; you can put dirty dish after dirty dish without cleaning them and next thing you know you have a mountain of them. At this point you have two options. One, move out of the house altogether and get a brand new one with a new kitchen and an empty sink to put new dirty dishes on. Two, you can start doing your damn dishes. Pick up the damn sponge and soap and start cleaning. It’s going to be a lot of work, and it’ll probably be gross and highly unpleasant. And elbow-deep in the soap suds you might think gee, it would’ve been so much easier and less gross if I ‘d just washed each dirty dish as they came along, and you’d be right. In the same way, we can avoid an explosive argument that often leads to a horrible break up if we just resolve each little miscommunication that came our way. These can be very difficult to do, but it’ll be well worth it in the long run. And along the way, we’d (hopefully) improve our communication skills, too, leading to less arguments and a healthier, more enjoyable relationship.

I wish I could end this by giving out some pointers on how to be a good communicator, or a 10-steps-to-resolving-arguments guide. But I can’t, because I’m still working on it, too. (Well alright, I suppose if I wasn’t so lazy I could pull out my communications textbook and summarize some chapters, but I think this post is long enough already. And also I’m lazy.) I think I’ll be working on my communication skills until I die. I don’t know how I feel about having to work on something so challenging for the rest of my life, but it is something I’m willing to do if it means I won’t have to fight, argue, or part ways with the people I love. And I hope it’s something you’re willing to do, too.